Thank you!

I just want to thank everyone who had prayers and good thoughts for my family during our difficult time. It’s appreciated more than I can say. People who I’ve never actually met in person, but who I’ve become friendly with through this blog, Ravelry, and some of the groups I belong to have been so kind and supportive, and a thank you is just not enough.

It’s so hard… I miss my mom so much. Every time I think of something Mom would appreciate, whether its a good laugh, a particular recipe, or whatever, I tend to think, “Oh! I’ve got to tell Mom!” Then I remember I can’t. I know its still early days yet, and that it will eventually fade, but right now it still hurts.

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I haven’t been knitting or looming or crocheting these past few weeks, but I have been jotting down some ideas for patterns. Specifically a couple of looming patterns. I’m hoping to get a start on some of them this week, and I’m going to try to work them out so I can share with everyone. That is the only way I can think of to say thanks to the online crafting communities I frequent.

If any of you have an idea for a pattern, but don’t know how to write one up, just let me know, and I’ll see if I can come up with something for you.

I love you, Mom!

Mom passed away this afternoon. Very quietly. We all went down to the hospital one more time to say good-bye before they took her to the OR. Her wishes were to be an organ donor, so we honored that. It’s good to know that right now, someone else is about to have a part of her with them for the rest of their lives. They (the hospital staff) gave us as much time as we needed. If we weren’t ready until tomorrow or until next week, they would have waited for us to finish our good-byes.

Jason has called the funeral home, as has a meeting set up for tomorrow morning. I found Mom’s green skirt suit and her dress shoes. We’re going to have a showing on Monday evening, and services on Tuesday. Dad wants her to have her wedding ring on during the showing, and I’m also sending her garnet necklace. We had the hospital staff take her ring off the other day, because her hands were so swollen from the fluids, and I brought it home and put it in her jewelry box. Mom wanted to be cremated, so before that happens, we’ll get her jewelry back.

We all divided the list of people we need to call, and I only have one person left to call. I’ve been trying for a couple of hours, but there’s no answer, and I don’t want to leave a message. That’s not how I want people to find out about Mom.

I’ve also been going through the big box of pictures, looking for any with Mom in them. We want to have them at the funeral home, because so many people there will smile when they see some of them. So far, I’ve found a lot of old black-and-whites from when she was a baby, a toddler and young child, and some colored pics of her as a young teen and older. She and my Dad got married when she was 16 and he was 18. They look so young, but so in love! I’ve picked out a lot of those, because they show her as young and vibrant. I’ve picked out pictures of her with each of us kids, and with her grandchildren too. And of course with her great-grandson as well. There are so many, I think my brothers and I will have to weed some of them out. I just can’t imagine that we could show all of them. There are hundreds!

I just can’t believe she’s gone. It just was all too fast. One minute she’s letting the dog into my room, the next minute I’m calling 911. I wish it was just a really, really bad dream, but I know its not.

Too tired to think of a title

NOTE: After posting this, I re-read it. I know it’s a bit out of order chronologically, but I’m not going to fix it. I’m just not up to it right now.

They are saying it’s CHF. Congestive heart failure. But there is no apparent reason, and there is no change in Mom’s status. The EEG’s have shown no changes. Her eyes are no longer opening now. All those tubes and wires are still there, so she doesn’t really look like my mom, but I know it is. Dad saw Mom yesterday. Jason and Ted’s boss offered the use of their son’s custom van. It has wheelchair restraints, so we were able to get Dad there easily. We were also able to use the van again today.

We (my brothers, my cousin Betsy and I) all sat down this morning with Dad to have a difficult but necessary discussion. We all believe that Mom would want a DNR signed. Dad is the only who can legally do that. So we asked him what he thought Mom would want. He said they had discussed this before and he knew she would want the DNR. We told him that this was not his decision alone, but a decision we all believe in together. That we all felt it was the right thing to do. When we brought him down to the hospital, we felt it better that we get the paperwork all done before we went in to see her. If we went in to see her first, it would only be harder to sign the papers. Jason and Garrett also signed as witnesses, so Dad wouldn’t have strangers as witnesses. We felt it better so that he didn’t feel as though he was in this alone.

Dad asked for a minister to come say a prayer. I’ve never known my father to be a religious person… not that he doesn’t believe, but only that he never went to church. At least for as long as I can remember. I know he used to go to church when he was a kid… my grandmother made him go. Almost everyone was there for the prayer. Me, Betsy, Jason and his wife Danielle, Ted, Garrett, and two of my boys, Mikey and AJ. Brian is feeling this pretty hard, and visited yesterday, but nearly broke down today, and didn’t want to go. Ted’s ex (Joellen) and her mom (Judy) brought his boys down today, and Danielle brought down her and Jason’s daughter and son. We all took turns visiting Mom in small groups. First Ted, Joellen, Judy and the two boys. Then Jason, Danielle, and their two kids. Followed by Betsy and Garrett. Then Dad, me, Mikey and AJ. Then the minister came in for the prayer.

We all went out the waiting room after awhile. Even Mikey’s ex-girlfriend came down with him. She came down yesterday too. I was kind of surprised, but glad. Yesterday, they brought the baby. Not that Kaison would know what’s going on. He’s only 11 1/2 months old. And we’re not even sure Mom knew he was there, but it was important to Mike that he and Arica brought Kaison in to visit.

At this point, we’ve all pretty much been in to say good-bye. I think (and my brothers feel the same) that she has been waiting for us to give our love and prayers, and to tell her its okay to let go. It’s so hard for all of us. She’s only 57 years old. But if she can hear us, we don’t want her to feel as though she has to hang on because of us. (And yes, I’m crying as I type this.) I don’t really want to let go of her, but I know it has to happen. We don’t know how long she’ll be like this. A few days, a few weeks, a few months, a year… we just don’t know.

Others that came to see her today were my Aunt Jackie, my cousin Tiffany, Garrett’s wife Tracy, Joellen’s sister Jackie, and my grandmother (dad’s mother). And last night, Judy, Jackie, Joellen and Jessica (Joellen and Jackie’s sister) sent over a ton of food. Beans, salads, cookies, soda, deli meat and cheese, and so much more. Even Jason and Ted’s boss (Mary) sent over baked ziti and fresh garlic bread, made with garlic from her garden. It was wonderfully overwhelming and the fridge will be full for days.

But I still want my mom back. She’s too young for this. And now its up to God and her.

Even more scared.

I just got the latest update on Mom.

When the EMT’s took Mom in the ambulance, they didn’t leave quite immediately. Apparently, she crashed, and they had to intubate her while they were in the rig.

This morning at the hospital they did a CT scan of head and chest, and found nothing. And they did full work-up tests. Then they sent her to the cardiac cath lab… ran a catheter through the veins first in her left leg going up to the heart, then in her right leg and still found nothing. The only thing they found was a weak and slow heartrate. It could be the cause or it could be the result. We still don’t know yet.

They have put her in the Critical Care Unit, and she is on a ventilator. During the cath lab tests, she started breathing on her own, and had to sedate her to keep her still. About an hour ago (4:30 PM or so) the neurologist was in to see her. He isn’t very hopeful. He said her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long. Jason called us from the hospital to tell us this news, and he was crying. He doesn’t cry easily. But none of us is giving up hope that easily.

But if the worst does happen, what will I do without my Mommy? How will I take care of Dad by myself?

I’m so scared.

As many of you know, I’m living back “home” with my parents. You may also know that I’m currently the daytime caregiver for my father, who had a stroke in March 2007. And if you’ve read my blog much, you know how frustrated I get sometimes with my dad. But today I feel its fortunate that I am living here.

At about 6:40 am, Mom came into my room to let the dog in. (He likes to snuggle with whomever is still in bed.) Less than two minutes later, I heard her call my name in a strangled voice. I jumped up, ran down the hall and found her sitting in the kitchen. She was having a hard time breathing, and managed to say “911.” I called them, and they got here in less than five minutes. But in that short time, her oxygen intake had dropped drastically and she was getting mottled. From her toes to her knees, and from her fingers to her elbows was all purplish-gray. At this point, the EMTs arrived, and were trying to get her to respond. Her downturn happened so fast. I was holding her head, as she was lying on the floor. The EMTs were putting oxygen on her, and taking levels for blood-sugar and blood pressure. I had the presence of mind to lift her graying eyelids to see that her eyes were beginning to dilate.

As they placed her on the stretcher and took her out, Dad was in the livingroom which they had to pass through to get to the door. He called her name a couple of times, but I told him she couldn’t answer because they had an oxygen mask on. In reality, she couldn’t answer because she had passed out. I didn’t dare voice my fears. And it took soooo long for the ambulance to actually leave. At least it seemed it. It was really only about 5 – 8 minutes, and I know they were getting an IV started, as well as trying to keep her stable.

I called my brother Jason, and told him what was going on… he called our brother Garrett, who is a night-shift LPN at the hospital. He was just getting out of work, and went right back inside to wait for her to arrive. Then I called our other brother Ted and got him informed. He also went to the hospital to be there with Mom. All three of my brothers are Licensed Practical Nurses, and “speak doctor talk”. I didn’t finish my nursing classes, but I still can understand 95% of what’s being discussed. But I stayed home with Dad and my two youngest boys.

I really thought I was watching my mother die in my arms…